Being Dead is No Excus

Southern funerals at funeral homes in Wirtz, VA are filled with traditions that are unique to the South, and which are adhered to by many people despite the fact that time has moved funerals in general in a very different direction, where almost anything goes. Not so in the South. The Southern ladies are watching and taking notes. 

Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays, authors with roots in the Mississippi Delta, have written the authoritative – and humorous, tongue-in-cheek – guide to Southern funerals in their 2005 book, Being Dead is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral. It's a must read. 

Although the death of a loved one is very sobering, Southern funerals, by their very nature, have humor embedded in them. Anyone who is a native Southerner will understand why the topics in this book are genuinely real (although the characters may not be) and genuinely funny. An added bonus in the book is that each chapter ends with a bonafide recipe so your Southern funeral will be perfect because you prepared the right foods the right way. 

There are certain foods that are standard and unique to the South at Southern funerals. One of these is tomato aspic, which according to the authors, is "made with homemade mayonnaise – without which you practically can't get a death certificate." Other foods include homemade rolls, fried chicken, deviled eggs, caramel cake, coconut cake, pound cake, banana pudding, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, green beans, and pot roast. 

In the South, your final resting place is very important. Cemeteries have a hierarchy in terms of where they are located in town. The authors mention one cemetery in Greenville, MS as "one of the best addresses in Greenville…Being buried anywhere else is a fate worse than death." Cremation is treated with humor as well: "The last time somebody was cremated, his ashes were sprinkled from a crop duster. We all ran for cover. We liked him fine, but we didn't want him all over our good clothes." 

The authors don't leave any Southern stone unturned. They give advice on which denomination to join if you want a tastefully-done sendoff with pomp and circumstance, but no "tacky hymns:" Southern Episcopalians wear their devoutness lightly. That's one reason they excel at funerals…They are sensitive enough to know that simply being dead doesn't mean you no longer care about social status." 

For an extremely well-attended funeral, the authors advise that, in addition to become an Episcopalian, you ought to join Alcoholics Anonymous (being an alcoholic is optional), because AA members turn out in full force anytime one of their own dies. This has an additional benefit according to the authors: it doesn't increase the liquor bill at the reception. 

The authors, since they've already picked the right religious denomination for the best funeral, explain the Southern Protestant church caste system. It's a humorous description that will make every born-and-bred Southern howl with laughter, even if they're at the bottom of this particular food chain. 

The authors end the book with the gentle reminder that Southern ladies should have fun at a funeral, but "you don't want to have been so bad you wish you could switch places with the deceased." 

For information on funeral planning at funeral homes in Wirtz, VA, our compassionate and experienced staff at Conner-Bowman Funeral Home & Crematory is here to help. You can come by our funeral home at 62 Virginia Market Place Dr., Rocky Mount, VA, 24151 or you can contact us today at (540) 334-5151.