Talking with Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One
Even the most gifted talkers in the world may find it difficult to talk in a comforting and empathetic way with someone who has lost a loved one. Here’s a guide to what to say and what not to say.
When we attend funerals at a Roanoke, VA funeral home, one of the things that we will do is to offer our condolences to a grieving family who has experienced the loss of a loved one. Even if we aren’t able to attend the funeral, we still want to be able to provide comfort and support for our family members, our friends, and our coworkers when they have experienced the death of someone close to them.
Before you even think about what you should – and shouldn’t – say to someone who has lost a loved one, you first need to step in their shoes and consider their emotional state.
The death of a loved ones brings a state of emotional rawness and fragility that is hypersensitive to words. The person you are going to speak with is in pain that is palpable and close to the surface. Every word they hear will be framed by that pain, so even the most innocuous and well-meaning expressions of sympathy may exacerbate the rawness and fragility of their emotions.
That is why you must thoughtfully consider what you say before you say it and evaluate whether it will comfort and ease the bereaved person’s pain, or it will intensify it.
While it may seem like walking on landmines to find the right words, it really is just a matter of being aware of how the grieving person is feeling.
One of the most common things we ask each other is, “How are you doing?” However, this is not something you should ask someone who has lost a loved one. For one reason, it should be obvious that they are not doing well. Second, there are no words that they could find that would adequately describe how they are doing.
So, instead of asking the obvious, acknowledge the bereaved person’s pain and your sorrow for what they are experiencing.
Another thing that we do, almost automatically, when someone is in pain or hurting is to try to find a way to make them feel better. That might lead us to say something like, “one day it won’t hurt so much,” or “you’ll be okay in time.”
While this is well-meaning, it will come across as dismissive and avoidance of where the grieving person is right now. Right now, they hurt. Right now, they are not okay. To truly empathize with them, it’s important that your words acknowledge where they are right now.
We humans like to be able to relate to each other on a personal level. One of the ways we do this is to say, “I know how you feel.” In some situations, this can be helpful, but it is not helpful when you’re speaking with someone who has lost a loved one.
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, you don’t know exactly how the bereaved person is feeling. Grief is a unique experience and no two people grieve exactly the same way or for the same things.
Let’s imagine the bereaved person has lost a parent and you have lost a parent. However, your relationship with your parent was loving, close, and warm, but the grieving person’s relationship with their parent was loving, but also contentious and distant.
What the grieving person is experiencing will be vastly different from what you experienced. If you are a loss as to what to say, then a simple, “I’m sorry for your loss,” is the perfect thing to say.
For information on bereavement flights for funerals at a Roanoke, VA funeral home, our compassionate and experienced staff at Conner-Bowman Funeral Home & Crematory is here to help.
